I watched a series of videos on Randy Pausch, the Carnegie Mellon University Professor who is dying from pancreatic cancer. He is the one who gave the now famous “last lecture.”
So, I keep thinking about obstacles and how to respond to them. As I blow my nose and wipe my eyes. I quietly realize inside that I am, actually, part Tigger and part Eeyore. Frankly, I’ve always found Tigger to be somewhat annoying. He never listened to any of his friends and kept knocking them over because it felt good to him. But I digress. I don’t want to ruin the emotional torment I’m in.
This is my blog, after all, not more not less.
I’m almost done with my classes. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel -and it’s blue. Or so says my lab instructor. All of my images are blue. I don’t really see it, Don. We are on a first name basis at 'our' school, part of ‘our’ policy to maintain an informal relationship between students and instructors. Well, if you look here at this tiny reflection in the eye, you can see a slight cast… Ugh, as I look at what was to be my final precious print, mounted and ready to go. Shot down by cyan. Damn that cyan. I have more trouble with cyan. Now I have three large prints to redo and a cast of dawdlers with which to fight for space in the print mounting room. So much for getting my work done early and in peace.
“To fulfill a dream, to be allowed to sweat over lonely labor, to be given the chance to create, is the meat and potatoes of life.” –Bette Midler
Is this a dream of mine? Yes, I suppose, in a way. Taking classes is not a dream, but being able to see things the way Don does is one. I just don’t see it. So few of the folks that look at my work see it the way he does. I seek out people like Don to tell me what I’m doing right, but mostly what I’m doing wrong. And I wonder why I’m so critical of myself after being in class… No mystery there.
What is my brick wall? I would have to say it is myself. Typical response in today’s world. But, if the brick walls are there to give me the opportunity to show how badly I want something, then I have a great opportunity in front of me. I have the opportunity to determine who I really am, to fulfill my childhood dreams. Well, from early, I don’t know about childhood. In fact, I wanted to be a teacher as a child. I can’t think of anything I want to do less than teach a classroom full of kids now- except maybe laying tar. I hate that smell.
How do I figure out what it is I want to do? I know without question that it has to do with photography. I know part of the answer includes mastering light and shadows. But, to what end? What is my purpose? How am I to share my perspective, my unique view of the world? How long do I just trust myself and go with my instincts? Trusting my instincts is what led me to do portraits- it wasn’t a deep passion for portrait photography. I love portraiture, but it was more of a clear, undeniable feeling “This is the right thing for me to do right now.” So, I do it. I don’t know why. I just trust myself to know what to do even though I don’t know why. As an overly analytical person, this is difficult for me to do. Let’s face it, it freaking drives me batty! What really drives me nuts is that I have a sneaking suspicion that I may never know the answer.
That is what goes through my mind whenever I am quiet.
4 comments:
Smart, funny, AND deep. Who knew? ;)
Is Don the f#@%head that yelled at you in class? Hmph.
Okay, from a friend who also happens to be a client (a very satisfied one if I might add) I think you have mad photography skills. And not just in portraits. I think you have a real talent for capturing real life. Not just people but also nature and dogs - totally. You know how I feel about posed, portrait-y portraits, so it's no surprise that I love your lifestyle pictures. I think my favorite portrait has to be the, would you call it, time-lapsed photo? The one of the little girl dancing under the blooming crepe myrtles. LOVED that. I actually triple-dog HEART it. I really think you have something there, like maybe that could be your, oh I can't think of the word. Maybe "what you're known for." Seriously. Work it girl. Make the money doing stuff like that so you can afford to spend some time searching for and photographing the things you're really passionate about. I'm sure you'll figure it out. Especially since you're apparently a very deep and analytical thinker (are you by chance a Libra?).
And when she's a little bigger, I can many Mias with pink tutus dancing under those crepe myrtles. Promise me you'll do it!!
Love ya girl!!! And miss you.
Yeah, what she said. My favorite picture is of Sam, taken at Mayfield Park, where he is gazing up at you, with a half smile on his face, with the fuzzy lily pad pond behind him. I triple heart that picture. I also really like the one of the four of us walking on the sidewalk, where Anthony and I are swinging both kids and Sam looks like he is about to fly!
And I, too, would love to have a picture of Sophie dancing under some crepe myrtles.
Thanks, guys! Love the insight. I'll be keeping my eyes on the crepe myrtles...
To answer your questions- no, Don is not the f#@%head. He is most helpful and very sweet to my boys. And, I'm a Virgo.
It's time for you to update your blog girlie!!!!!!!!!
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