On disappointment

“It’s funny- how we deal with disappointment.” My friend calmly said over some noodles.

I stared at her for some moments. I had never thought of it that way. I just hadn’t. All of that? All of that was just (extreme) disappointment? Then the resulting weight, the medications, the drinking. Don’t get excited- just some anti depressants. I finally felt like myself, just not so pissed off. Not so confused. So, was it that I wanted something and didn’t get it? Instead I got pain. A crushing of my dreams, my expectations, my beliefs about what I had, what I wanted?

“Every day’s an endless stream of cigarettes and magazines.”

Sleeping with a box of tissues. I would wake up to blow my nose in the middle of the night, crying as I slept. I didn’t know you could do that. That I could do that. Actually cry while I was asleep. I watched myself in fascination as I suffered. It was the only comfort I took for many months.

Here’s some of what I’ve learned from myself. I am alone. No one is there with me. Not my spouse, mother, father, sisters, friends, no one. People believe that they want to be there for me, but there is just no getting past the fact that I am alone and I will walk my path on my own. Period. Maybe that sounds like I’m rejecting my friends in my time of need. But, it’s the opposite. My life is mine and mine alone. It is up to me to make it. I prefer to make it with friends and family. But they don’t understand my lot any better than I understand theirs.

Here’s another thing I learned. Maybe I believe in God, maybe I don’t. It’s nobody’s business but my own. And here’s the kicker- it doesn’t matter. What matters is how I treat people, animals, life, and myself. If I believe in love, then I must act with love. I don’t want to hear your philosophical ramblings or worse yet, mine. Talk is just talk. (Yes, I get the irony here. “Stew in it ‘till your fingers get all pruny.”)

I have also seen that intense pain has brought out unexpected patience and understanding in me. I don’t think it shows, necessarily, it is something that comes up at odd times. And, mostly with strangers. I am glad I don’t have to be quite so self righteous anymore. Compassion for myself was a hard lesson to learn, but I’m getting it. It’s been easy to have it for others when I feel it for myself. It’s easy to tell the folks who haven’t suffered from loss- they complain, they complain, and they complain. Particularly about getting what they want.

Here’s to the lessons I have to learn. I wish you well with yours.